bruises on the fruit

Reading my old entries has really triggered me. I had a very abusive upbringing and reading all of it and processing it at this stage in my life really makes me sad. I could never dream of subjecting my child to the shit my mother put us through. I could never imagine neglecting him the way she neglected us. I would never allow Connor to waste away in front of a computer screen. And it makes me sad for Little Lisa for having gone through all of that.

With all this bullshit going on in the world, I've decided to stop using my livejournal for my sessions with my journal. Since I was a teenager, I've used lj to document my life and my mental health journey. So, hello, dreamwidth. It's been a while.

The last time I posted was in 2012, aside from that bit in 2018. A lot has happened since then. A lot of life altering shit.

In 2013, shit hit the fan with my then-boyfriend, Nathan. At the time, I was severely mentally ill and not receiving the proper support I needed. So, naturally, I did a lot of impulsive, stupid, just plain dumb shit that absolutely does not need extra detail at the moment, and our relationship fractured. We used glue on the shattered bits, but we were both unwell, although I was worse than him at the time. We fixed what we could, but I broke them again. And again. And again. All that was left was a pile of shattered fragments of our relationship.

In 2014, I got pregnant. Yes, journal, me; the girl who had never had a regular period in her life, swore she was infertile, had a successful pregnancy. Connor was born on June 15. Through the pregnancy, Nathan was an alcoholic. He was one up until Connor was about 1 1/2 years old. We bounced around from house to house to house because Nathan couldn't control his anger. We left his parents early in the pregnancy to live with Stephen, but he was such a hoarder, the house was disgusting, so we moved in with my mom. We couldn't stay there, though, so we eventually moved back in with his parents. They were awful to me during my pregnancy. They talked shit about me, his aunt Theresa got into a screaming match with me, his aunt Robin called me a bitch, none of that side came to my baby shower. I had 3 people total. I was extremely anxious and paranoid. But when I had C and they put him in my arms, something shifted inside myself. A part of myself died that day, a part that was no longer needed. He became my whole world.

And so I raised him the best I could. I am a damn good mother. When C was just around 1, he began loosing his speech. What little words he had were suddenly gone. He flapped his hands, didn't respond to his name being called, didn't point to things, didn't play with other kids. He was checked for autism and when he was 21 months old, we found out he was indeed autistic. Nathan had a hard time adjusting. He didn't want Connor to have a label so young but I knew that with that "label" we would be able to get him all the services he would need with little hardship, and I was right. Because of my hard work advocating for him, teaching him, being his voice, he is now in 1st grade, reading at a 3rd grade reading level. Yep. My baby is incredibly smart.

Sometime in 2009, I had reached out to my sister Callie, and we began corresponding over the years. She was a lot older than me and had a little trouble adjusting to being a sister after having been an only child for so long, but when I became pregnant with Connor, she was excited to become an aunt. She bought him lots of thing and we met a few times after Connor was born. She was the first to realize he was ticklish on his back. Sometime during 2016, Callie became ill. She never recovered. The morning of March 31, 2017, I woke suddenly in extreme pain. I had an abscessed tooth. I made it to the dentist and in the waiting room, I found out on facebook that she had died in the middle of the night. Connor doesn't remember her.

I got my GED that year. I graduated and walked on stage. Tinsley was there. Rhonda, David, and Mom were also there. They all celebrated with me afterwards. In 2018, I got my own apartment (public housing, babyyy), and began college. I finished my first semester with a 4.0. At the end, literally the last day of school, I found out I was pregnant again. Based on my last period, I was due at the beginning of January 2019. I signed up for a free ultrasound that wouldn't happen until week 8 of my pregnancy. With C, I had hyperemesis gravidarum that lasted until about 6 months. I could tell this baby was going to be the same. Nathan and I decided on Evelyn Estelle or Evan Patrick. The day of my scan, they could not find a heartbeat. I was referred to the ER to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. They told me my hcg levels were on par for 8 weeks pregnant, but that the sac was empty. So they sent me to my OB and gave me another ultrasound. This one suggested the baby was only 6 weeks, but there was nothing in the sac but a fetal pole. It was not possible for the conception date to be late May because I had received a positive pregnancy test at the beginning of May. So I had 3 options: wait a week and see if the fetus developed, which was an incredibly slim chance, or take an abortion pill, or have a D&C. I was nervous about surgery, knew that the fetus wasn't viable, so I took the pill. It was awful. I had contractions, vomiting, and bleeding. I thought that everything was ok, but when they gave me another ultrasound, there was still tissue. So they waited for me to pass it naturally. I wound up in the hospital, hemorrhaging. I bled so hard and so fast that I soaked 3 pads in 10 minutes and bled through my pants, and the hospital scrubs the ER gave me. They did ANOTHER ultrasound and saw I still had tissue left, so they scheduled a D&E. That whole situation was traumatic.

After Connor was born, I decided to reach out to Tinsley. I had grown up without grandparents and I knew that I would regret keeping C from Tinsley, even if he was a terrible person. But Tinsley had changed. Somewhat. He was living with David's childhood friend, Chad, and his mother Susan. They were awful to him. They used him for his social security money. He had no money to buy himself new underwear. David and I were constantly concerned for him. However, Tinsley was a stubborn mule and nothing we ever did could change his mind, so he lived with them. I let him meet Connor. Tinsley lost an eye to cancer years before C was born and every kid who met Tinsley was afraid of him because of it, but not C. C took to him quickly.

On May 7, 2019, I was putting C to bed when I got a call from David. Tinsley was unresponsive. They had performed CPR on him for 45 minutes and were able to get a pulse. So I flew to the ER. They said he had a 10% chance of waking from his coma. We stayed at the hospital until 1am. I had an exam the next morning. I went to take an old coffee cup from my car to the dumpster at the apartment, where I tripped on the curb, rolled both ankles, and broke my left fibula. I sat with him in the hospital until Friday morning, when he passed.

My ex-boyfriend Chris died a few days later. My brother in law, Mark, passed away in July of that year. I don't like to talk about those days very much because it is still fairly traumatizing.

Since then, I've spent a lot of time growing and healing as much as I can. I told Tinsley when he was dying that I forgave him and I held his hand while he passed. Now all I can do is focus on my own growth and the healing of my traumas. It's not been a very quick journey, and it's been very hard on me, but I'm doing it for Connor. I want to be the best mother I can be for him. And I'm doing it, one day at a time.

The doctor says I have mild cervical dysplasia. They took a biopsy and will test it and send me more information in the mail. He says it MIGHT be moderate, but it's not severe, so that's good. I think his treatment will be to sit on it for 6 months, have another pap, and if it's better, they'll just monitor me closely.

Honestly, it was the weirdest fucking thing seeing my cervix on a computer screen.

Things have been going relatively well lately, despite the massive clusterfuck that was the beginning of the month.

Work has been alright for the most part. There hasn't been as much drama, but I've been in toys pretty much every shift, so maybe I'm just missing it. I prefer it this way! My d-day is coming off next month and I'm seriously thinking about going for the connection center position. I'll still be able to help out in photo, but I desperately need a change. Plus, it's a lot more pay, and I'm really going to need it soon.

Nate and I are getting our own place. He needs to get his Firebird on the road and I need to get my car fixed. Hopefully his dad will finish putting the axle on so I can get the rest of the parts. I think most of it is just minor things now, but I still need to switch the tires from the Mazda to the Honda. We're thinking of either getting a place in Rustburg or Altavista. Rustburg is closer to his work and would be better on gas for him, whereas Altavista is where I work and better on gas for me. Ehh. His parents mentioned renting the house out to us while they find a trailer. We'll see.

I haven't really had much contact with my family lately, except for a few phone calls. I told Mom about Nate and me getting our own place and I think she wants to come too. I don't know how to say no, that I want it to be just us on our own. I feel bad about it, but it's what needs to happen.

Christina randomly asked if Nate and I wanted to come watch her boyfriend and his band play on Saturday. Soooo I think we have plans (if Nate will get off Star Wars, hahahaha).

I am exhausted, so it is bedtime for moi.

For Christmas, Nathan bought me a Nook. At first, I wasn't too sure how I'd like it--I get distracted sometimes and lose my place and I tend to reread certain passages to remind myself where I am. I wasn't sure if I would like having to go back a page or two to remind myself. But when I finally set it up and started reading Stephen King's Bag of Bones, ugh, I completely fell in love! I can just put it in my purse and not have to worry about lugging a huge book with me just to read at work. Ahh, this boy.

We've actually been having some problems lately. I know it's mostly my problems. I've never actually done anything like this before. We're living together, we're getting our own place, but I truly do love him. I just get so angry :( I don't know if it's stress or if I have some mental disorder that never went diagnosed... I read over my lj entries not too long ago and I was horrified at how I reacted over things. Although at the time most of that stuff happened, I was going through a lot and not receiving the proper therapy I needed, so that could explain it. All of the stress and tension with Nate when we're both being douchebags is spilling over into work. I get so testy. Maybe it's just seasonal depression, I dunno. Mainly I get mad over him being on xbox and Star Wars.

David's car broke down the other day. The motor blew while he was on 24. He said it might take around $300 to fix. He has no job... He barely works for Jeff anymore, so all he does is bum around. He's actually been staying at Mom's lately, and with him having no job, he's been coming to me for money. It wasn't as bad when he was living with Alyssa, but he's home now. No one to mooch off, mainly because he's already spent all of her money.

All of this? The reason I left home. I had no money because David forced me to give him money in exchange for a ride to work, no car because he eventually stopped taking me to work but still wanted money. I cannot support while while I am living here with Nathan. I mean, fuck, I had no money to do what I needed to do when we were living together. How am I supposed to support BOTH him and my mom and then support myself? I work at WALMART, that shit does not pay well. And I have to buy parts for my car and then save up for a security deposit for our place and this shit does not bode well. It's not going to end pretty.

All I'm basically saying right now is that I've changed since coming to Nathan's. I cannot, as I see myself right now, go back to how things used to be. I love my family and do not want things to be fucked up. We were fucked over by Rhonda, it's just us. I just can't do it :( I can't bring myself to go back there. And it's going to ruin our relationship.

And also? He'd kind of really immature. He still seems the same David from 5 years ago. Nothing's changed. He just doesn't hit me anymore.

This is my life. I've recently seen Supernatural and am completely in love with it. Muse = ♥

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