bruises on the fruit

The doctor says I have mild cervical dysplasia. They took a biopsy and will test it and send me more information in the mail. He says it MIGHT be moderate, but it's not severe, so that's good. I think his treatment will be to sit on it for 6 months, have another pap, and if it's better, they'll just monitor me closely.

Honestly, it was the weirdest fucking thing seeing my cervix on a computer screen.

Things have been going relatively well lately, despite the massive clusterfuck that was the beginning of the month.

Work has been alright for the most part. There hasn't been as much drama, but I've been in toys pretty much every shift, so maybe I'm just missing it. I prefer it this way! My d-day is coming off next month and I'm seriously thinking about going for the connection center position. I'll still be able to help out in photo, but I desperately need a change. Plus, it's a lot more pay, and I'm really going to need it soon.

Nate and I are getting our own place. He needs to get his Firebird on the road and I need to get my car fixed. Hopefully his dad will finish putting the axle on so I can get the rest of the parts. I think most of it is just minor things now, but I still need to switch the tires from the Mazda to the Honda. We're thinking of either getting a place in Rustburg or Altavista. Rustburg is closer to his work and would be better on gas for him, whereas Altavista is where I work and better on gas for me. Ehh. His parents mentioned renting the house out to us while they find a trailer. We'll see.

I haven't really had much contact with my family lately, except for a few phone calls. I told Mom about Nate and me getting our own place and I think she wants to come too. I don't know how to say no, that I want it to be just us on our own. I feel bad about it, but it's what needs to happen.

Christina randomly asked if Nate and I wanted to come watch her boyfriend and his band play on Saturday. Soooo I think we have plans (if Nate will get off Star Wars, hahahaha).

I am exhausted, so it is bedtime for moi.

For Christmas, Nathan bought me a Nook. At first, I wasn't too sure how I'd like it--I get distracted sometimes and lose my place and I tend to reread certain passages to remind myself where I am. I wasn't sure if I would like having to go back a page or two to remind myself. But when I finally set it up and started reading Stephen King's Bag of Bones, ugh, I completely fell in love! I can just put it in my purse and not have to worry about lugging a huge book with me just to read at work. Ahh, this boy.

We've actually been having some problems lately. I know it's mostly my problems. I've never actually done anything like this before. We're living together, we're getting our own place, but I truly do love him. I just get so angry :( I don't know if it's stress or if I have some mental disorder that never went diagnosed... I read over my lj entries not too long ago and I was horrified at how I reacted over things. Although at the time most of that stuff happened, I was going through a lot and not receiving the proper therapy I needed, so that could explain it. All of the stress and tension with Nate when we're both being douchebags is spilling over into work. I get so testy. Maybe it's just seasonal depression, I dunno. Mainly I get mad over him being on xbox and Star Wars.

David's car broke down the other day. The motor blew while he was on 24. He said it might take around $300 to fix. He has no job... He barely works for Jeff anymore, so all he does is bum around. He's actually been staying at Mom's lately, and with him having no job, he's been coming to me for money. It wasn't as bad when he was living with Alyssa, but he's home now. No one to mooch off, mainly because he's already spent all of her money.

All of this? The reason I left home. I had no money because David forced me to give him money in exchange for a ride to work, no car because he eventually stopped taking me to work but still wanted money. I cannot support while while I am living here with Nathan. I mean, fuck, I had no money to do what I needed to do when we were living together. How am I supposed to support BOTH him and my mom and then support myself? I work at WALMART, that shit does not pay well. And I have to buy parts for my car and then save up for a security deposit for our place and this shit does not bode well. It's not going to end pretty.

All I'm basically saying right now is that I've changed since coming to Nathan's. I cannot, as I see myself right now, go back to how things used to be. I love my family and do not want things to be fucked up. We were fucked over by Rhonda, it's just us. I just can't do it :( I can't bring myself to go back there. And it's going to ruin our relationship.

And also? He'd kind of really immature. He still seems the same David from 5 years ago. Nothing's changed. He just doesn't hit me anymore.

This is my life. I've recently seen Supernatural and am completely in love with it. Muse = ♥

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