hello, you
Mar. 20th, 2022 03:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
inbloomWith all this bullshit going on in the world, I've decided to stop using my livejournal for my sessions with my journal. Since I was a teenager, I've used lj to document my life and my mental health journey. So, hello, dreamwidth. It's been a while.
The last time I posted was in 2012, aside from that bit in 2018. A lot has happened since then. A lot of life altering shit.
In 2013, shit hit the fan with my then-boyfriend, Nathan. At the time, I was severely mentally ill and not receiving the proper support I needed. So, naturally, I did a lot of impulsive, stupid, just plain dumb shit that absolutely does not need extra detail at the moment, and our relationship fractured. We used glue on the shattered bits, but we were both unwell, although I was worse than him at the time. We fixed what we could, but I broke them again. And again. And again. All that was left was a pile of shattered fragments of our relationship.
In 2014, I got pregnant. Yes, journal, me; the girl who had never had a regular period in her life, swore she was infertile, had a successful pregnancy. Connor was born on June 15. Through the pregnancy, Nathan was an alcoholic. He was one up until Connor was about 1 1/2 years old. We bounced around from house to house to house because Nathan couldn't control his anger. We left his parents early in the pregnancy to live with Stephen, but he was such a hoarder, the house was disgusting, so we moved in with my mom. We couldn't stay there, though, so we eventually moved back in with his parents. They were awful to me during my pregnancy. They talked shit about me, his aunt Theresa got into a screaming match with me, his aunt Robin called me a bitch, none of that side came to my baby shower. I had 3 people total. I was extremely anxious and paranoid. But when I had C and they put him in my arms, something shifted inside myself. A part of myself died that day, a part that was no longer needed. He became my whole world.
And so I raised him the best I could. I am a damn good mother. When C was just around 1, he began loosing his speech. What little words he had were suddenly gone. He flapped his hands, didn't respond to his name being called, didn't point to things, didn't play with other kids. He was checked for autism and when he was 21 months old, we found out he was indeed autistic. Nathan had a hard time adjusting. He didn't want Connor to have a label so young but I knew that with that "label" we would be able to get him all the services he would need with little hardship, and I was right. Because of my hard work advocating for him, teaching him, being his voice, he is now in 1st grade, reading at a 3rd grade reading level. Yep. My baby is incredibly smart.
Sometime in 2009, I had reached out to my sister Callie, and we began corresponding over the years. She was a lot older than me and had a little trouble adjusting to being a sister after having been an only child for so long, but when I became pregnant with Connor, she was excited to become an aunt. She bought him lots of thing and we met a few times after Connor was born. She was the first to realize he was ticklish on his back. Sometime during 2016, Callie became ill. She never recovered. The morning of March 31, 2017, I woke suddenly in extreme pain. I had an abscessed tooth. I made it to the dentist and in the waiting room, I found out on facebook that she had died in the middle of the night. Connor doesn't remember her.
I got my GED that year. I graduated and walked on stage. Tinsley was there. Rhonda, David, and Mom were also there. They all celebrated with me afterwards. In 2018, I got my own apartment (public housing, babyyy), and began college. I finished my first semester with a 4.0. At the end, literally the last day of school, I found out I was pregnant again. Based on my last period, I was due at the beginning of January 2019. I signed up for a free ultrasound that wouldn't happen until week 8 of my pregnancy. With C, I had hyperemesis gravidarum that lasted until about 6 months. I could tell this baby was going to be the same. Nathan and I decided on Evelyn Estelle or Evan Patrick. The day of my scan, they could not find a heartbeat. I was referred to the ER to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. They told me my hcg levels were on par for 8 weeks pregnant, but that the sac was empty. So they sent me to my OB and gave me another ultrasound. This one suggested the baby was only 6 weeks, but there was nothing in the sac but a fetal pole. It was not possible for the conception date to be late May because I had received a positive pregnancy test at the beginning of May. So I had 3 options: wait a week and see if the fetus developed, which was an incredibly slim chance, or take an abortion pill, or have a D&C. I was nervous about surgery, knew that the fetus wasn't viable, so I took the pill. It was awful. I had contractions, vomiting, and bleeding. I thought that everything was ok, but when they gave me another ultrasound, there was still tissue. So they waited for me to pass it naturally. I wound up in the hospital, hemorrhaging. I bled so hard and so fast that I soaked 3 pads in 10 minutes and bled through my pants, and the hospital scrubs the ER gave me. They did ANOTHER ultrasound and saw I still had tissue left, so they scheduled a D&E. That whole situation was traumatic.
After Connor was born, I decided to reach out to Tinsley. I had grown up without grandparents and I knew that I would regret keeping C from Tinsley, even if he was a terrible person. But Tinsley had changed. Somewhat. He was living with David's childhood friend, Chad, and his mother Susan. They were awful to him. They used him for his social security money. He had no money to buy himself new underwear. David and I were constantly concerned for him. However, Tinsley was a stubborn mule and nothing we ever did could change his mind, so he lived with them. I let him meet Connor. Tinsley lost an eye to cancer years before C was born and every kid who met Tinsley was afraid of him because of it, but not C. C took to him quickly.
On May 7, 2019, I was putting C to bed when I got a call from David. Tinsley was unresponsive. They had performed CPR on him for 45 minutes and were able to get a pulse. So I flew to the ER. They said he had a 10% chance of waking from his coma. We stayed at the hospital until 1am. I had an exam the next morning. I went to take an old coffee cup from my car to the dumpster at the apartment, where I tripped on the curb, rolled both ankles, and broke my left fibula. I sat with him in the hospital until Friday morning, when he passed.
My ex-boyfriend Chris died a few days later. My brother in law, Mark, passed away in July of that year. I don't like to talk about those days very much because it is still fairly traumatizing.
Since then, I've spent a lot of time growing and healing as much as I can. I told Tinsley when he was dying that I forgave him and I held his hand while he passed. Now all I can do is focus on my own growth and the healing of my traumas. It's not been a very quick journey, and it's been very hard on me, but I'm doing it for Connor. I want to be the best mother I can be for him. And I'm doing it, one day at a time.
The last time I posted was in 2012, aside from that bit in 2018. A lot has happened since then. A lot of life altering shit.
In 2013, shit hit the fan with my then-boyfriend, Nathan. At the time, I was severely mentally ill and not receiving the proper support I needed. So, naturally, I did a lot of impulsive, stupid, just plain dumb shit that absolutely does not need extra detail at the moment, and our relationship fractured. We used glue on the shattered bits, but we were both unwell, although I was worse than him at the time. We fixed what we could, but I broke them again. And again. And again. All that was left was a pile of shattered fragments of our relationship.
In 2014, I got pregnant. Yes, journal, me; the girl who had never had a regular period in her life, swore she was infertile, had a successful pregnancy. Connor was born on June 15. Through the pregnancy, Nathan was an alcoholic. He was one up until Connor was about 1 1/2 years old. We bounced around from house to house to house because Nathan couldn't control his anger. We left his parents early in the pregnancy to live with Stephen, but he was such a hoarder, the house was disgusting, so we moved in with my mom. We couldn't stay there, though, so we eventually moved back in with his parents. They were awful to me during my pregnancy. They talked shit about me, his aunt Theresa got into a screaming match with me, his aunt Robin called me a bitch, none of that side came to my baby shower. I had 3 people total. I was extremely anxious and paranoid. But when I had C and they put him in my arms, something shifted inside myself. A part of myself died that day, a part that was no longer needed. He became my whole world.
And so I raised him the best I could. I am a damn good mother. When C was just around 1, he began loosing his speech. What little words he had were suddenly gone. He flapped his hands, didn't respond to his name being called, didn't point to things, didn't play with other kids. He was checked for autism and when he was 21 months old, we found out he was indeed autistic. Nathan had a hard time adjusting. He didn't want Connor to have a label so young but I knew that with that "label" we would be able to get him all the services he would need with little hardship, and I was right. Because of my hard work advocating for him, teaching him, being his voice, he is now in 1st grade, reading at a 3rd grade reading level. Yep. My baby is incredibly smart.
Sometime in 2009, I had reached out to my sister Callie, and we began corresponding over the years. She was a lot older than me and had a little trouble adjusting to being a sister after having been an only child for so long, but when I became pregnant with Connor, she was excited to become an aunt. She bought him lots of thing and we met a few times after Connor was born. She was the first to realize he was ticklish on his back. Sometime during 2016, Callie became ill. She never recovered. The morning of March 31, 2017, I woke suddenly in extreme pain. I had an abscessed tooth. I made it to the dentist and in the waiting room, I found out on facebook that she had died in the middle of the night. Connor doesn't remember her.
I got my GED that year. I graduated and walked on stage. Tinsley was there. Rhonda, David, and Mom were also there. They all celebrated with me afterwards. In 2018, I got my own apartment (public housing, babyyy), and began college. I finished my first semester with a 4.0. At the end, literally the last day of school, I found out I was pregnant again. Based on my last period, I was due at the beginning of January 2019. I signed up for a free ultrasound that wouldn't happen until week 8 of my pregnancy. With C, I had hyperemesis gravidarum that lasted until about 6 months. I could tell this baby was going to be the same. Nathan and I decided on Evelyn Estelle or Evan Patrick. The day of my scan, they could not find a heartbeat. I was referred to the ER to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy. They told me my hcg levels were on par for 8 weeks pregnant, but that the sac was empty. So they sent me to my OB and gave me another ultrasound. This one suggested the baby was only 6 weeks, but there was nothing in the sac but a fetal pole. It was not possible for the conception date to be late May because I had received a positive pregnancy test at the beginning of May. So I had 3 options: wait a week and see if the fetus developed, which was an incredibly slim chance, or take an abortion pill, or have a D&C. I was nervous about surgery, knew that the fetus wasn't viable, so I took the pill. It was awful. I had contractions, vomiting, and bleeding. I thought that everything was ok, but when they gave me another ultrasound, there was still tissue. So they waited for me to pass it naturally. I wound up in the hospital, hemorrhaging. I bled so hard and so fast that I soaked 3 pads in 10 minutes and bled through my pants, and the hospital scrubs the ER gave me. They did ANOTHER ultrasound and saw I still had tissue left, so they scheduled a D&E. That whole situation was traumatic.
After Connor was born, I decided to reach out to Tinsley. I had grown up without grandparents and I knew that I would regret keeping C from Tinsley, even if he was a terrible person. But Tinsley had changed. Somewhat. He was living with David's childhood friend, Chad, and his mother Susan. They were awful to him. They used him for his social security money. He had no money to buy himself new underwear. David and I were constantly concerned for him. However, Tinsley was a stubborn mule and nothing we ever did could change his mind, so he lived with them. I let him meet Connor. Tinsley lost an eye to cancer years before C was born and every kid who met Tinsley was afraid of him because of it, but not C. C took to him quickly.
On May 7, 2019, I was putting C to bed when I got a call from David. Tinsley was unresponsive. They had performed CPR on him for 45 minutes and were able to get a pulse. So I flew to the ER. They said he had a 10% chance of waking from his coma. We stayed at the hospital until 1am. I had an exam the next morning. I went to take an old coffee cup from my car to the dumpster at the apartment, where I tripped on the curb, rolled both ankles, and broke my left fibula. I sat with him in the hospital until Friday morning, when he passed.
My ex-boyfriend Chris died a few days later. My brother in law, Mark, passed away in July of that year. I don't like to talk about those days very much because it is still fairly traumatizing.
Since then, I've spent a lot of time growing and healing as much as I can. I told Tinsley when he was dying that I forgave him and I held his hand while he passed. Now all I can do is focus on my own growth and the healing of my traumas. It's not been a very quick journey, and it's been very hard on me, but I'm doing it for Connor. I want to be the best mother I can be for him. And I'm doing it, one day at a time.
